rebel

he asks “why me?”
as he pours us hot tea
my hands are drawn to his body
my lips to his skin
I get so tongue tied
lying next to him
I used to think he was cold
but his hidden warmth has me sold
he’s nervous
he can’t sit still
by now I know the drill
hide your feelings
play cool
don’t fall in love
don’t be a fool
I’ve always been a rebel
when it comes to romance
he’s worth the risk
I take the chance

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in my head

it was not real
it was in my head
yet I continue to idolize you
fall for you
think of you
in bed
the dark circles beneath my brown eyes
tell the truth
I so desperately hide
I’m a dreamer
such a lush
that when memories come back
they come in flashes
and I never know
if they are real
or I made them up

clean slate

I am not the type of girl
to expect flowers, balloons, or a public post
but I crave to know that I am the one
you adore most

you do not have to say the words
you do not have to try
your energy speaks so loud
I know that love
is you and I

that will always be enough for me
I wish you could see what I see
you bring me to my knees

I want all that is not mine
you know you are the only one
that can make me rhyme

you do not know how to love
yet you are an angel
sent from above

cannot help but wonder
how your tide
pulled me under

you once gave your soul
lost control
learned in the end
all those times you had to bend

only lead you to putting yourself back together
wondering why love never lasts forever

you are scared to open up again
you heart is fragile
let it mend

I wish you knew how much I relate
all I know is heartbreak
but what if we met with a clean slate?

dreaming

tangled in one another
your lips on mine
both aware of the impeding darkness
that will follow momentary bliss
craving the lights to be on
so this is real
your touch is like an ocean
consuming my mind
I felt you escape to a place
where your heart remained closed
fearfully pushing me away
past memories consuming you
relating me to her
I knew there was nothing I could do
to change your mind
so I left that day
knowing you got what you want
but not what you need
dreaming of a future
where love wins
and pride dies

f*ck my mind first

first undress my mind
maybe you’ll be able to undress me
in time
this concept seems to be foreign
to so many
I don’t want to be intimate
with just anybody

the end

home base
a constant reminder
of the company
I used to keep
in this space
but you were so distant
it’s like you were never here at all
when asked how I moved forward so easily
I only have memories of being unhappy
I could see the end
I am not the type of woman to give up
I see potential and try to get you to bend
into a better version of yourself
overextending myself
I am too much you say
too passionate
too aware
too driven
yet too aloof
with an intense stare
you fled
just like the others I told you about
while we fought in bed
you’ll never stop missing me
you’ll hear the echoes of my voice in the wind
like the sound of waves from the sea
licking the shore
because in hopes for a brighter future
I tend to give my soul
which in time
becomes irreplaceable
my name will come to your lips
while you grab her hips
you have to love yourself first for who you are
before I could ever set the bar
I have nothing to hide anymore
the wrong type of love
teaches me how to soar
the sad part is several will read this
and think it is about them
but you’re just a part of my trend
I am completely content with not begging anyone to stay
that never wanted to be here in the first place

your ocean

I either have a case of word vomit or am unable say a thing
forever wondering
why I love so much
but show so little
I want to believe in this rush
but when my guard comes down
anxiety consumes me
reminding me I could drown
in your ocean
as if you secretly slipped me love potion
so I keep you at arms length
because the only loyalty I know is my own inner strength
I should know by now that when I try to avoid
I fall in deep
I never sleep
wake me up from this dream
I can’t even blink
I’ll ride this wave
until I sink

Acknowledging My Anger Then Setting It On Fire

I have had to swallow my pride, eat my words, and restrict my fingers from telling those who hurt me to fuck off. This year has taught me how ironic life can be. You can provide another with a new beginning, a home to come to, feed them night-after-night from your own pocket, and never ask for a dime in return, help them find security, yet still be painted as an unsympathetic human being.

When life goes right for you and wrong for them, all true colors show. They hate to see you doing better than them. 

Insecure people always run to what they feel is “safe”.

I am not the type of person to run to what is safe. I am the type of person that runs to my inner-self when feeling unsafe. Insecure fingers only point at those they once idolized.

The moment the giver focuses on their own direction and cannot point the compass for the insecure, they are lost. Crying. Pointing.

I’ve Been Losing Sleep Tossing and Turning in Bed

My imagination lingers to thoughts of your beautiful, striking face
I am running a race
and feel as if I am in first place
but your silences have me second guessing
could this be love
or another lesson?
you consume me
I feel crazy
why can’t I get you off my mind?
is love truly this blind?
or are we lying to ourselves to maintain a balanced state of mind?
your smile lights up my day
I always have too much to say
In your company
I can’t shut up my stupid mouth
I leave your place consumed with doubt
I can’t stop drinking about you
because every time I try reality hits
as I imagine the taste of your lips
and the grip you could have on my hips
I care so much about you
so I ignore my thoughts
until It’s late and I connect the dots
every single night
i won’t say another word until you feel the timing is right
I want to love you
like no one has loved you before
nothing scares me anymore
but am I the one you truly adore?
or is this all in my head
I’ve been losing sleep tossing and turning in bed

It Doesn’t Matter What Others Think Of You, It Matters What You Think Of You

Thought Catalog

After a long month, I stare into my tapestry as I open my front door. I can’t help but notice the complexity and exoticness. It is only two shades of color: black and white, no room for grey, with a reoccurring pattern. I stare long enough to relate it to my own being.
I bounce other’s words back and forth between the right and left halves of my brain. The logical half comforts the other, my inner voice quietly trying to drown out the background noise:

“What others think about you is none of your business.”

“Your perception of me is a reflection of you.”

The right side of my brain encourages depth, a new journal, and set of ballpoint pens. The overwhelming buzz and desire to feel understood takes over. I long to justify what is happening inside of my brain to those I am growing apart from as their words attack my conscious:

“I’m seeing a different person these days than the girl I used to know.”

“If you focused on the positivity in your life, instead of feeling misunderstood, things will change for you.”

Truth is, people will never recognize what has changed within you, what makes you tick, what sets your heart and soul on fire, or what causes a rage within your bloodstream, unless they yearn to understand your soul.

I sure as hell hope I am different than the girl you used to know. I hope you are different than the person you used to be, too. The only constant in this world is change. Progressive growth is essential to character. You’ll never be enough for those whose expectations and perceptions of you are stagnant.

I think back ten years ago to my teenage self: lost within my own surroundings, emotional outbursts that terrified anyone who stood witness, while I fought for independence and understanding in a world that I didn’t belong to or relate. I am still that imperfect human, yet I have evolved gracefully.

Only those who stick around long enough to see the caterpillar turn into the butterfly actually get to witness the transformation. It’s those whose eyes are so fixated on the butterfly, that they didn’t know the caterpillar existed in the first place.

I stare at my own reflection. For the first time in 26 years, I feel comfortable in my own skin.  Validation from other people is no longer sought after or required. The last few years of my life flash: my lessons, heartbreak, flaws, yet my passions, goals, selflessness, kindheartedness, and compassion. I think about where I used to be, and about how I’ve gotten to where I am today. I think about the next challenging steps, and what I need to do to charge forward to accomplish my dreams.

The courage to be yourself in a world constantly trying to shape you is my personal definition of power.

After mentally rehashing other’s perceptions of me to the point of insanity, I have to agree as to why people think and feel the way they do. I am a walking contradiction. I want to help others, yet I tend to resist human contact. I want to be alone, but I don’t want to be left alone. I am curious, but I can be incredibly shy if you pique my interest. I either completely obsess over a topic, or I am aloof and indifferent. I love coming up with ideas, but will debate yours if I don’t agree with the logic.

Perception does not define reality. If someone is tearing you down, know it doesn’t make them stronger. If someone points out your negative flaws, their attributes don’t shine any brighter. When people say painful words, know it is probably because they are unhappy with themselves, but be aware karma could be helping you pay for sins you do not remember. I know I am paying for sins I do not remember.

If you feel the need to make someone feel less assured of themselves or have to call another person out, you may gain a false sense of superiority. Trust me, I know. I am the queen of foot-in-mouth disease. I have spoken painful words with good intentions, yet the brutal truth caused friction. The struggle remains in finding the balance between “hear me out…” and “I am keeping my mouth shut.”

At the end of the day, we’re all human. I have let the masses paint me in whatever color they choose. I encourage you to do the same, but maintain self-awareness. It takes being self-assured and incredibly strong to tune out and block hot needles being thrown at your heart made of gold. Hold your head to the sunlight and cue the sunglasses, even when it’s raining.

Wisdom comes from knowing that what others say about you is not your reality. It’s their reality. However, feedback is essential to growth. Be aware of the difference between genuine and faulty characters. It’s hard to tell who is conforming to other’s opinions and who is speaking out of intellect and honesty to bring awareness to the people surrounding them. I have always fought to be the latter. The former has always made me withdraw from society. Never trade honesty for relatability. I am grateful for the people who have given me a taste of my own medicine. Gratefulness has a way of making it go down that much easier.

Let them paint you in shades of red, black, grey, white, blue…

Let them make you their favorite verse to discuss…

Let them try to explain your soul to someone who doesn’t know depth exists…

If you are going through darkness, may you find peace within yourself. If you speak up for others’ darkness, may you continue to radiate in the brightest way. Every morning wake up, turn the music on, shake it off, open the blinds, and plan for a brighter future. Take feedback and grow beautiful roses, dandelions, and daisies from it.

You can be yourself or you can be what others think of you. At the end of the day, neither will matter to those who have already painted you in the color they choose to see.

But for the ones who hand you the paintbrush and open up their hearts, paint them in the brightest shades, even in their darkest times.

I am not here to convince anyone of my worth. I am here to remind you of yours.

fire and ice

he walks into the room
radiant energy consumes my being
the type of energy you feel
while you pretend you’re not looking
cool, calm, and collected yet a hungry stare
this type of company is incredibly rare
a human who proceeds with caution to protect his heart
who won’t ruin his status
for a false jump start
maturity and strength more present than impulsive energy
conversation and understanding lead to an undeniable synergy
an intellectual, passionate, self-caring man
how stupid I would be if I took it personal and ran
I must learn patience and to take my time
how fortunate am I
to have gotten closer to someone that can make me rhyme
we melt into his couch
all I can think about are his hands and mouth
we don’t touch
I say too much
I pull my coat hood over my head
as my cheeks turn rosy red
my lust is strong
when I do not see him
I long
I have never had to learn how to wait
all my past has lead to is fast-paced heartbreak
this is a lesson the universe wants me to learn
for once in my life I must relax and yearn
If only he knew that he is music to my ears
I admire his face
he’s had a few beers
I want to take as much time as this needs
to breathe
fire is necessary when it gets cold out
filled with doubt
the world
turned you cold
but in time you’ll see
the fire you seek is me
I have never felt more sure of letting it be
it’s his turn to throw the dice
fire and ice

ghost

home base

a constant reminder

of the company I used to keep in this space

but you were so distant

it’s like you were never here at all

 

Sunshine

a mind that never sits still
although quiet
her stare could kill
unapproachable and reserved
she focuses on individuals whose attention is deserved
an influential force that fights for change
her demeanors are perceived by most as strange
hair that falls below her breasts
wavy and frazzled
she can be such a mess
an optimist at heart
she’s called sunshine
by those who understand
she is a work of art

Paint Me

After a long month, I stare into my tapestry as I open my front door. I can’t help but notice the complexity and exoticness. It is only two shades of color: black and white, no room for grey, with a reoccurring pattern. I stare long enough to relate it to my own being.

I bounce other’s words back and forth between the right and left halves of my brain. The logical half comforts the other, my inner voice quietly tries to drown out the background noise:

“What others think about you is none of your business.”

“Your perception of me is a reflection of you.”

The right side of my brain encourages depth, a new journal and set of pens, and the overwhelming feeling, desperation, and desire to feel understood. I long to justify to others what is happening inside of me. That’s my first problem.

Other’s words attack my conscious:

“You can be very defensive.”

“You only talk about yourself and aren’t listening or being considerate.”

“You talk down to others.”

“I’m seeing a different person these days then the girl I used to know.”

Truth is, people will never know the truth about me unless they yearn to understand. I sure as hell hope I am different than the girl you used to know. The only constant is change. Progressive growth is essential to character. I’ll never be enough for those whose expectations and perceptions of me are stagnant.

I think back to my younger self: lost, emotional, independent, fighting for understanding in a world that I didn’t belong to or relate. I look at myself now. I am still that human, yet I have evolved gracefully.

Only those who want to see the caterpillar turn into the butterfly actually get to witness the transformation. It’s those whose eyes are so fixated on the butterfly, that they didn’t know the caterpillar existed in the first place.

I remind myself of the kind words other’s have said to me this week:

“Since I met you a few months ago I’ve found you to be an incredibly kind person with an amazing work ethic, who is introverted. That does not mean you live in darkness and are always negative. Shit is hard sometimes and the people who care and understand will be there in those times. Now is not the time to drop someone on their ass. You’ll get through it because you do see the positive in things and you work your ass off to do that. Staying positive in tough times is really hard. We’re not perfect.”

“To be honest, I think we all feel like lost puppies right now. It’s pretty impressive how you’ve been able to somewhat hold it together.”

I am looking at my white walls, painted with art and photography, my 500 square foot apartment that I used to share with someone else. This box has become my home out of my own willingness to endure and move forward. My eyes light up while I stare at the musical equipment I used to dream to own. I now turn my dark thoughts into art. I mix beautiful, lyrical melodies with the touch of my own fingers.

I am filled with warmth looking at my 6 year old labrador retriever. I have raised him since he was 6 weeks old. He brings happiness, companionship, joy, and love to anyone in need of it.

“You’re too skinny. Eat a cheeseburger.”

I stare at my own reflection and for the first time in 26 years I feel comfortable in my own skin. I think about the last year of my life: my goals, my lessons, my heartbreak, my strength, my passion, my flaws, yet my generosity and selflessness. I think about where I wanted to be and how I have gotten here. I think about the next steps and what I need to do to charge forward.

“If you focused on the positivity in your life, instead of feeling misunderstood, things will change for you.”

I reread other’s perceptions of me, and I must agree as to why they would feel the way they do. You see what you want to see.

I struggle between: you thinking of me in that manner does not make it true, tearing me down doesn’t make you stronger, pointing out my negative flaws doesn’t make your attributes positive…yet…I feel you. I can be a hypocrite. I am probably paying for sins I don’t remember. I probably am reading these painful words because I have spoken the same words with the same good intentions, yet the brutal truth caused friction.

If you feel the need to make someone feel less assured of themselves, if you have to call another person out, you may gain a false sense of superiority. Trust me, I know. I am guilty of it.

I am very, very fond of people who speak the truth and advocate change. The issue here is… it’s hard to tell the difference as to who is conforming to other’s opinions and who is speaking out of intellect and honesty to bring awareness to the people surrounding them. I have always fought to be the latter. The former has always made me withdraw from society. If another human can change your perception without factual information, I am not sure I could ever trust your word.

“You are stronger than focusing on the negativity, the pain, the suffering, the chaos.”

My struggle has always been finding the balance of “hear me out, this sucked…” and “I am going to keep my mouth shut to be the strength other’s need.” Venting can come off as negative and untrustworthy to those who want to fixate on your flaws.

I know I have not always been the woman I crave to be. However, I strive to be that woman every moment of my life. The only constant in my life has been progressive growth.

At the end of the day, we’re all human. I have let the masses paint me in whatever shade of color they chose. It takes being vulnerable, self-assured, broken, yet incredibly strong to tune out and block other’s hot needles being thrown at your heart made of gold. I am grateful for the people who have given me a taste of my own medicine. If only they knew I liked the taste.

You can’t kick me down
I’m already on the ground

Be careful because I am quick to stand back up. Wisdom comes from knowing what other’s say about you is not your reality. It’s their reality. I’ll never trade honesty for relatibility.

“I know you care a lot about others, but you have to show it.”

I have been called selfish, yet I have let others sleep in bed with me for weeks at my own energy expense because they had nowhere else to go. I have been called unsympathetic by those who didn’t know I was behind the scenes fighting for them at the gamble of my own career. I have given my last dollar to others before buying myself a meal. I have sent flowers across the country for friends in dire pain. I have dropped everything to just be next to a friend enduring a broken heart.

It has taken me the same amount of time to not judge as it is taking me to try and not react. At the end of the day, I remember words are typically opinions- and often very skewed ones.

“People have a different perception of you because I think and feel you are consumed by your hardships.”

My hardships exist because I take on the pain and weight of the world. Not because I wallow within mine. The truth is I feel happy and sad at the same time – all of the time. I feel deeply and experience a wide breath of emotions simultaneously. I can be laughing, yet feel melancholic sadness for the old man across the street walking alone. I am an empath. I feel other’s energy, anxiety, and sadness by simply being in the same room. I have deep feelings hidden within my surface at all times.

Empath: a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual.

I let other’s words wiggle so deep in my mind. At the end of each day, I fuel that fire into creativity, motivation, and join energy/minds with individuals who truly feel me. I have been called a “runaway” by extroverts that don’t understand how energy works. As an introvert, I lose energy by human contact. It is essential to my well-being to have moments alone, even if your company gives me pleasure. The harshness and cruelty of the world can completely drain my energy to the point of not leaving bed for two days.

I am a walking contradiction.  I want to help others, yet I resist human contact. I am curious, but I can be incredibly shy. I either completely obsess over something or am totally indifferent. I am passionate over what excites me, yet completely negligent if I am not interested in the task at hand. I am easygoing, I love coming up with ideas, however I will be incredibly stubborn if forced to stay true to myself and individuality. I will never conform to be a part of a clique that doesn’t match my values. I will always choose my own path over what society expects of me. I want to be autonomous and free, yet I want to have stability and order at the same time.

So please, paint me in shades of red, black, grey, blue…

Make me your favorite verse to discuss…

Try to explain my soul to someone who doesn’t know depth exists…

Keep telling me I am “this” or “that” when it has been me that has had your back the entire time…

Every morning I wake up, turn the music on, shake it off, open the blinds, and plan for a brighter future. Every morning I think about how I am going to advocate for change for other’s going through darkness (that are not sure how to speak up for themselves).

I can be myself or I can be what others think of me.  At the end of the day, neither works, for those who have already painted me the color they choose to see. I take the feedback and grow flowers from it. I am not here to convince you of my worth. I am here to remind you of yours. And once you have gotten that much out of me, you’ll paint the story how you choose.

An Empath’s Dilemma

we feel everything

your joy, your pain, your weakness

that moment we fantasized about going underneath your blankets

most say we are crazy

and tend to be lazy

it can take twelve hours to get out of bed

little do you know we are repeating everything you said in our heads

our hearts beat fast

we believe things will last

it is wishful thinking

believing others understand us will soon have us sinking

you can’t make someone want to understand or relate to your past

they quickly remind you how you are like their last

it can be a bitter pattern of who is right or wrong

for only the ego will sing this song

there is a fine line to be drawn between feeling and reason

for without feeling what would humans believe in

remember this the next time your ego wants to attack

 empaths lash out just to see who will have their back

I know better

I know better than to let a stranger into my home

I know better than to seek vengeance

karma is the best revenge

she’ll find you alone

I know when one steals from me their fate is doom

I have to do nothing but ignore and outsee this gloom

It is not fair that this world is covered in hate, violence, war, and theft

It is so important to hold onto your values when not much is left

I know better than to think failure is the end

it is a beginning point to get you to bend

I know being able to manage one’s mind is just as important as learning to cram it with information

the touch of admiration will always beat the overwhelming sadness of the world that brings me to exhaustion

I know better to think that life is fair

some of the kindest, caring people I know end up in a wheelchair

I know better than to think I’m always right

it is other’s insight that brings me to a new light

Work Of Art

The walls feel like they are closing in on me. They are white, loud, lonely, screaming for attention. I covered them up with various eccentric pieces of art. You see, it is all a facade. Take the art off the wall and what is left? Bare, vulnerable blank space crying to be painted. The blank space reminds me of that itching feeling you get when craving love.

It is easy to forget about the time spent invested in flourishing a space.

“Will this match? How will this compliment this other piece? What if it doesn’t go? What if someone disagrees?”

Nails were hammered, art was hung. It blesses my eyes every day. It blesses any presence that looks upon it.

Art: paintings, photographs, posters, and X cover the walls so beautifully that people tend to forget behind each masterpiece was madness, darkness, beauty, reality, and truth.

Art:

‘the expression or application of human creative skill and imagination, typically in a visual form such as painting or sculpture, producing works to be appreciated primarily for their beauty or emotional power.’

I am a work of art.

 

Peace

“When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace”

– Jimi Hendrix

I came home from work tonight and several helicopters were circling my apartment building in Mar Vista, California. The surrounding streets were blocked off with caution tape and an erie buzz spread throughout the atmosphere.

Fire trucks and ambulances were speeding past my driveway. My heart palpitated out of my chest. I sensed danger and hate.

The UCLA gunman’s car was found less than half a mile away from my house. The human that took innocent lives was walking through my ‘safe’ neighborhood.

Love will always stump violence.  I know that it is not his fault. Somewhere along the way he succumbed to mental illness.

My heart keeps breaking over and over again. What can we do?

Spread happiness, love, and positivity.

We can turn this world around if we work together to show light in dark times.

I am so sad for the lives that have been taken, their families, their friends, their loved ones.

The future is in our hands.

how cold would the world be

lately I’ve been thinking I have it harder than others

I’m an emotional being

but how cold would the world be without people like me

the echoes of a laugh

the longing of rain

the sound of the ocean

the flowers blooming on my window pane

I feel the sun shining on my skin

the touch of your fingers when the lights are dim

I feel your sorrow, your heartache

I notice it like a ripple on a lake

I see your laughter and joy

The same light in you you had as an innocent boy

I feel everything so deeply

And none of it makes sense

But without nurtures like me

The world would be incredibly dense

From a friend

“You make worlds spin when you are standing still. Always and forever, you will remain one of the closest and strongest essences and beings, in my life. You will always be the spark to fires and the spirit that remains when a fire fizzles out.”